Moments of Impact

Who's experiencing a dizzy, bumpy ride?

    Moments of Impact* (MOIs) are technically: Triangulated meta-dramas that determine relationship trajectory. It is when two or more individuals stand face-to-face cross-eyed. MOIs can either enhance or create havoc with close relationships, because my words and actions determine healthy bonds. I share four unsettling MOIs:

     MOI #1: I somewhat calmly (and hopefully clearly) share an insecure word picture with my caring and sensitive daughter: Imagine that your husband has two wives, and he favors one more than the other. You are the wife who feels less favored. Thus far, I feel like you are ignoring me, and I feel less favored compared to how you relate with..., and it hurts.

     MOI #2: Another statement tearfully but calmly shared with my oh so understanding daughter: I've shared with you before that somehow I rarely see your Instagram photos (because of the exclusive Apple regime). This long-distance grandma is missing my grandchildren's special moments.

     MOI #3: I share an insecure statement with three temporary cohabitants (actually, two were in-laws and I felt like the out-law): Three times in the last 24 hours I have somehow been left out of our planning. Then I am expected to know about the plans. Surely it is my fault, but it makes me feel stupid. What can I do to be in the loop?

     MOI #4: I share the following steady but tempered reply, responding to a family member's distressed, rapid-fire orders (can an 
I-44 flat tire create a dizzy and bumpy ride, with tense relational moments? YES!): Your orders are increasing my nervousness... I'm very glad you are with me, but you make me feel like an incompetent child... I need to think clearly, and it is impossible with bossy chatter... (OY! Yes, that is basically what I said). Let's first pray before acting during this stressful situation...

     My 11-day October trip, sharing lengthy rides, experiences, and grandchildren with in-laws and my daughter, blossomed with MOIs around every corner. I may be over-sensitive, but the motto, better to be safe than sorry rings true (especially because of my dysfunctional upbringing and heritage of denial). Words can rarely be taken back or forgotten, especially with family. In younger times, the statements above would have been reactive, expressed defensively and wantonly... or, worse yet, in aloof, passive-aggressive, Tug-of-War fashion. Family dynamics could be strangled... by my senseless insecurities.

     My preferred Moment of Impact "dance" is to hide. I am a peace-loving person. Hiding was impossible during a busy, adrenaline-spiked, sleep-deprived, people-filled road trip. I intentionally and prayerfully stepped out of my comfort zone to calm vulnerability.

     I did not demand to see immediate, selfish change (a/k/a using manipulative, hovering, Hitler or terrorist tactics). On the other hand, because we desired close relationship, we embraced clarity with patient trust, striving to motivate for clear communication (the fine line can be tricky). I am extremely grateful for extended, kindred-spirit family who embrace healthy peace.

     In retrospect, dramatic, tangible change is challenging to put a finger on. Did my expectations morph? It is a mystery. Somehow we all dynamically "danced" and teamed to fully embrace activities like: apple orchard and shopping excursions; diaper changes; bedtime routines (sharing treasured book-reading and bath-time opportunities); housecleaning and meal prep; house-, TV- and shower-sharing;  terri... ummm TREMENDOUS-two bedtime and church-going tensions; AND, complicated highway adventures.
   
     I gag on the (tart) Matrix "red pill" and conclude: Bumpy experiences precede relational MOIs, so remember to nimbly ride through the dizzy, winding chute... and pray for wisdom!

     Ah, hiding in my adorable grandson's safe tunnel is a most enviable relational approach!!!

     *The term "Moments of Impact" is masterfully portrayed in the movie The Vow, as well as the ideas of relational manipulation and motivation.

PAPA : The Grand-Factor

The Grand-Factor

     In last month's blogs, I attempted to tickle taste buds for Larry Crabb's book The PAPA Prayer (the right sidebar contains links to August's PAPA blogs). Now, I cautiously approach The PAPA Prayer's step #1 and search for ways to warm readers into its significance. To some, it may seem like aimlessly talking to walls, learning a foreign language, or an awkward dance.

 

     In Step #1, PRĒSENT, the goal is to become vulnerable and brutally honest with yourself and with God. To help grasp this idea, it is important to take a temporary detour. In a recent Today Show segment, a Boston College study shares intriguing findings that I label, The Grand-Factor. Their research concludes that: "Grandparents and adult grandchildren who are close are both less likely to be depressed." The positive effect is mutual, for the grandparent and the young adult.

     A grandparent helps the young adult to have a link to someone who has "been there & done that; survived; and come out on the other end." Active, surviving grandparent(s) who give back rather than just being cared for benefit from the relationship. Accept grandma's family china set when she offers it; show grandma or grandpa your resume.

     In the movie The Vow (based on a true story), the Grand-Factor is absent, but would have been beneficial. A traumatic head injury leaves young Newlywed Paige with no remembrance of Husband Leo. Her parents, sister, and high school buddies remain distinctly in Paige's memory banks, except for one critical and pivotal piece of family history. Five years previously, her dad's humiliating affair, with Paige's high school buddy, propelled her to sever all ties with family, as well as any law aspirations... and pursue her creative side.

     If anyone needed the Grand-Factor, didn't devastated Paige as an older teen? To have a caring, loving, and close idyllic "Grandparent Walton" with whom to openly PRESENT... her anger, sadness, and tearful humiliation? She needed someone connected, yet balanced... to simply listen and nod his or her head as Paige shares: Doesn't Dad know how humiliated I feel? All of my friends know! How could he do this? I HATE him!! It offends me that Mom stays with him!!!!!!!!

     After a prolonged, brutally honest conversation, an endearingly familiar "game" would begin, for Paige to absorb a special Grand-Factor commitment: Did you know that I love you, Paige?... more than... chocolate-covered strawberries?

     In turn, Paige may have warmly responded with her favorite childhood retort: "You are the best. I love you... more than... apple pie!"

     Hopefully this idea of the Grand-Factor sets the stage for The PAPA Prayer's Step #1: PRĒSENT yourself. In this step, it is critical to openly present ourselves (hurts or questions, happy events or offenses, insecurities or worries... intriguing scarab scars, artistic tattoos, ugly warts, and all) lest Steps #2-4 be sabotaged or short-circuited. Crabb says that any and all prayer requests should be saved for Step #4.

     If it feels uncomfortable to pray like this, or if it takes a huge leap to feel genuine (talking to the four walls), simply say: Lord Jesus, I can't do this. My mind is racing and actually I'm uncomfortable and feel quite bored. Help me to be real with You and God.

      In the New Testament and today, we have a special link to Someone who has "been-there." It is Jesus, God's approachable Son. Our perfect Savior Jesus is the only avenue to the Holy Father (John 3:16).

     For the informative 4-minute Today Show Grand-Factor segment, click this link: http://www.today.com/health/grandparents-grandkids-can-protect-each-others-mental-health-6C10898312