Moments of Impact

Who's experiencing a dizzy, bumpy ride?

    Moments of Impact* (MOIs) are technically: Triangulated meta-dramas that determine relationship trajectory. It is when two or more individuals stand face-to-face cross-eyed. MOIs can either enhance or create havoc with close relationships, because my words and actions determine healthy bonds. I share four unsettling MOIs:

     MOI #1: I somewhat calmly (and hopefully clearly) share an insecure word picture with my caring and sensitive daughter: Imagine that your husband has two wives, and he favors one more than the other. You are the wife who feels less favored. Thus far, I feel like you are ignoring me, and I feel less favored compared to how you relate with..., and it hurts.

     MOI #2: Another statement tearfully but calmly shared with my oh so understanding daughter: I've shared with you before that somehow I rarely see your Instagram photos (because of the exclusive Apple regime). This long-distance grandma is missing my grandchildren's special moments.

     MOI #3: I share an insecure statement with three temporary cohabitants (actually, two were in-laws and I felt like the out-law): Three times in the last 24 hours I have somehow been left out of our planning. Then I am expected to know about the plans. Surely it is my fault, but it makes me feel stupid. What can I do to be in the loop?

     MOI #4: I share the following steady but tempered reply, responding to a family member's distressed, rapid-fire orders (can an 
I-44 flat tire create a dizzy and bumpy ride, with tense relational moments? YES!): Your orders are increasing my nervousness... I'm very glad you are with me, but you make me feel like an incompetent child... I need to think clearly, and it is impossible with bossy chatter... (OY! Yes, that is basically what I said). Let's first pray before acting during this stressful situation...

     My 11-day October trip, sharing lengthy rides, experiences, and grandchildren with in-laws and my daughter, blossomed with MOIs around every corner. I may be over-sensitive, but the motto, better to be safe than sorry rings true (especially because of my dysfunctional upbringing and heritage of denial). Words can rarely be taken back or forgotten, especially with family. In younger times, the statements above would have been reactive, expressed defensively and wantonly... or, worse yet, in aloof, passive-aggressive, Tug-of-War fashion. Family dynamics could be strangled... by my senseless insecurities.

     My preferred Moment of Impact "dance" is to hide. I am a peace-loving person. Hiding was impossible during a busy, adrenaline-spiked, sleep-deprived, people-filled road trip. I intentionally and prayerfully stepped out of my comfort zone to calm vulnerability.

     I did not demand to see immediate, selfish change (a/k/a using manipulative, hovering, Hitler or terrorist tactics). On the other hand, because we desired close relationship, we embraced clarity with patient trust, striving to motivate for clear communication (the fine line can be tricky). I am extremely grateful for extended, kindred-spirit family who embrace healthy peace.

     In retrospect, dramatic, tangible change is challenging to put a finger on. Did my expectations morph? It is a mystery. Somehow we all dynamically "danced" and teamed to fully embrace activities like: apple orchard and shopping excursions; diaper changes; bedtime routines (sharing treasured book-reading and bath-time opportunities); housecleaning and meal prep; house-, TV- and shower-sharing;  terri... ummm TREMENDOUS-two bedtime and church-going tensions; AND, complicated highway adventures.
   
     I gag on the (tart) Matrix "red pill" and conclude: Bumpy experiences precede relational MOIs, so remember to nimbly ride through the dizzy, winding chute... and pray for wisdom!

     Ah, hiding in my adorable grandson's safe tunnel is a most enviable relational approach!!!

     *The term "Moments of Impact" is masterfully portrayed in the movie The Vow, as well as the ideas of relational manipulation and motivation.