Sweet Mercy

     Just when I think I have life figured out, with illogical fears managed, I am blind-sided. Uncontrolled, unnerving, fright-filled circumstances enter my world and throw me into an emotional tailspin. I short-circuit as I encounter Friday evening, St. Louis, rush-hour traffic... accidentally exiting the main highway, lost and overwhelmingly afraid.

      My thinking is waylaid. For uncountable minutes, dramatic and illogical phrases repeatedly fly from my hijacked mouth, including (but not limited to): Why did the #!* GPS send me this way? I will NEVER drive to Chicago alone again. I HATE this #!* nightmare, rush-hour traffic AND the #!* construction delays that put me into this #!* mess!!!! #!* #!*  #!*

       Many apologies if my unsavory, manipulative words hurt any eyes. From where, oh where, did they erupt? They are foreign to me, and fortunately have NEVER appeared in public. In the future, the worst my response will be is to assume the Lotus pose and mentally repeat "swear jar... swear jar."

       I am most likely over-reacting to my reaction. In my writings I tend to make things TOO and sensationalized. But on that particular day, at that particular moment, exhaustion hit me. After 3 full weeks away from home performing family ministry (with front- and tail-end visits to two treasured but deeply complicated, elderly aunts), and adding to that mix 2.5 weeks preparing for, welcoming, and following-through with our adorable newborn... naturally, life takes its toll (as did two Chicago toll booths) and I become vulnerable!

     AND THEN... top off the (enjoyably) taxing 3 weeks with a solo, unexpectedly complicated, forever drive home... welcome temper tantrum. I cringe thinking about my hissy-fit. I feel blemished and the neediest cockroach on this planet. I want to soak in a holy tub until my fingers turn to wrinkled prunes. I yearn to be exfoliated with a giant, holy Loofah until squeaky clean. For this overwhelming moment, "...every HOUR I need Thee" begs one revolutionary lyric tweak: "...every SECOND I need Thee." 

      That tearful and pummeling cell phone meltdown... with my safe, solid, saintly husband... is followed by a 3-hour, lonely car ride home. The cell phone rings twice, but I can't answer. I need clear thinking. I willingly, contritely, and humbly plead the blood of Jesus my Savior to cover my disturbed mind. I rewind to candidly meet with my God. His justice is balanced with undeserved mercy. I feel His extraordinary love.



My grandma's justice & mercy pin

      My dire grasp to touch God brings comforting relief; emotional decompression begins. I feel calmed. Where would I be without His sweet, saving, healing presence?

     Am I the most needy-ever follower-of-Jesus on this planet?!? This damaged Adult Child of an Alcoholic feels guarded and a lowly "cut-below." Childhood memories recall stinging and zinging parental tantrums, which research now indicates alters a child's mind (unless early, skilled therapy intervenes).

     Nonetheless and more-than-enough, I am saved from my humanity and undeservedly welcomed into Royalty. I fervently persist and tangibly segue to a comfortable Matrix mindset: Must I ever breathlessly run from, dodge, and sometimes be stung by grazing bullets? Haven't those bullets already stopped and dropped before a Transcendent Being? THE Royal, Holy, Effervescent ONE?

     Soulful and Skilled therapy time is over. Sweet mercy warmly embraces me... Ahhhh, thank God for a most extraordinary and righteous Bath Time.

     ...I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... (Romans chapters 7 & 8)

      ...But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord" (1 Cor. 1:27-31).